Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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