so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
