You smell like a Billy Joel song
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
