Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
