i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I have already put on my inside pants.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
