If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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