I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize