She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
