dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
