He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
