saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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