Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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