allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
