i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
