If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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