Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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