just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
