wakey wakey hands off snakey
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
