I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Randomize