I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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