Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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