I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize
