I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
