if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
