The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
