my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
