Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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