that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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