Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
