So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
