So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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