Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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