For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
