i just wanna soil my oats bro
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
