At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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