I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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