you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
