So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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