I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
