I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
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