I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Randomize
