My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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