Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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