Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
