Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
