i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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