I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
zippers are such a cool invention
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
