I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
