its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
