There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
