Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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