i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Alive.
So much puke
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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