He asked to "fluff my boner.."
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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