dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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