Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
