I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
