I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
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