She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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