This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
