I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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