Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
what day is it and did you see me today?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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