I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
