I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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