dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
