Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
