no, he came in my armpit
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
